Staring?

Why do people stare at me the way they do? I wonder all the time. Where ever I go, if I'm stopped at a red light, in a supermarket... It does not matter I find that people just stare. Some of my friends thing I am paranoid... But my little sister has seen it happen. It would be one thing if they would look and smile or say hello, but no they just stare.

When I am out in public, I make sure that my hair is combed, and I am dressed presentable.. (sometimes fashion police inappropriate) but I am covered and my clothes are not damaged. (basically I try not to look like bum). I make sure before I leave the house I check my face in the mirror, just to make sure I don't have stuff hanging that should not be hanging.

And then it starts...I mean I people watch, but most of the time I will give a smile or say hi to be polite...I mean it is the right thing to do. But come on... And I can say that it is one group of people...Men, women and children...They all do it. My sister suggested that I ask them to take a picture since I will last longer, but I think that is a bit rude.

One day I am gonna get the nerve up and just ask..."Why are you staring at me?

Responsibility

When did I become the responsible one. I happen to have 9 brothers and sisters...I am the last child. How in heavens name did I end up being the one to take care of the parent. You figure the older kids would chip in, but no... It is all on my shoulders. If can be very depressing sometimes. I feel like I've missed out on so much. And when I do take an opportunity to enjoy myself, I am made to feel guilty. Why does it have to be that way?

Someone please take me away.....

Ladies Night

So this is the first for many (I hope) when the girls get together and gab about each others lives. The particular ladies I've know since high school... we all went to a BPS together back in 1988. And we are still really good friends to this day. Here are the cast of characters: LEGS, she is in a relationship and is getting married next year (one of the two wedding I will be attending). BOOTY, she is divorced with 3 kids. DREADS- she is in a long term relationship (I think she is going to be the next to get married), she is the community activist in the group. SMARTS - she is married with 2 kids (she married her high school sweetheart after she broke up with her kids father), now this one is the go getter of the bunch. Then there is me, the single one (with now prospect on the horizon)...I am the motherly one, the responsible one... There is one missing, STYLES, I have not seen her in a long time but i've talked to her on the phone and she is doing really well (there is some bad blood between a couple of the other girls so she is not around much)

This is my core group of friends. We laugh and act silly when were are together, when you've known people that long you find that you can really be yourself. Sometimes we don't see or talk to each other for a very long time but when we do reconnect it is like no time has passed between us. I am really glad to have ladies like these in my life, they inspire, motivate and keep me grounded. I trully love them for the best they bring out in me.

So tonight we are getting to get to watch movies, eat and talk...yes they will be drinking involved (that never hurts). It is gearing up to be a sleep where you sit kinda thinks... as from pass experience, we tend to forget what time and how many drinks we've had...so I am going to be proactive and bring a pillow and pjs.

So I've Decided....

I am going to have to step up my work out plan. I have to get myself ready for 2 weddings in 2007, one in April and the other in August. I am really out of shape, nice tits nice ass but the inbetween needs some work. I am hoping to get down to a "buy a dress off the rack" size. Right now to get a hot dress in the color and style that I want I would have to pay an arm, a leg and maybe sell myself on the corner.

I've been working out about 3-4 day a week for the last couple of weeks and I am feeling good. I started without realizing that I need to get a special case for the girls. I made the mistake of jumping while doing taebo for the first time. That was not pretty, lets just say the girls were crying bloody murder. There is something to be said for a good workout... I tend to zone out, pretty much not think about anything, and with the right musical stimulation.. I could go on for hours.

So I have a ways to go... I am on a long term program. Do a little each day and a year from now I will be where I want to be.

Men?

Why are men so daft? I mean really. They (will be used to generalize) say they want to be in a relationship, they want that special person but do they really know a good thing when it is right in front of them?

I was stupid enough to believe that I should try the online match making systems. Thinking I will meet quality men…my rational was – if you gonna pay for something you will get quality…Oh boy was a wrong.

A little history is needed. So last year a co-worker told me she joined e-harmony and started dating this guy… seemed nice enough (actually spoke with her a couple weeks ago and they are still together). So she suggested that I try it. I was finishing up my masters degree and figured that this is the first time in a long time that I had free time to concentrate on my social life. I had so much on my plate that I had to give up a few things, my health and my social life. (I’ll save that for another entry) Anyway, so I figured I would try the e-harmony. I created my profile, was like taking the damn SAT… I got through it and paid my money. Was all excited, within a couple of hours I have a bunch of matches. I was so excited. Yeah, the beginning of a new project… Well little did I know that I would have not luck… all the matches that I received would close the match. The best reason was “I don’t think there is any chemistry”. Now I am wondering, how you know if you have chemistry with someone if you’ve never met them. That one boggles the mind. So I gave up on that. Someone (another friend) told me to try Match.com. Oh my god… lets just say I am even worse that e-harmony. Let’s just say I did not get what I was looking for… no where on my profile did I mention that I was a prostitute, whore, or slut or even insinuated anything close. Since my profile was quite honest as am I, I was offended. Then there was that one (remind me to talk about that one another time). What it was was a waste of my damn time and energy.

Since I am a glutton for punishment, I figure give it one more try… damn if I didn’t sign up on Chemistry.com. I have to admit I am an ass to the tenth power. I had one person interested… and he just wanted to see my picture because it was not available until communication began. But I’ve receive over 140 matches and yes I’ve expressed interest in a good number of them. However I am still waiting for mutual interest to be returned. Unfortunately I can’t get my money back.

I am glad that I’ve tried….I put myself out there and granted I did not get the results I desired but I was trying to be still open to the possibility. But as the days go on… I am seriously thinking about jumping ship. It does not seem as if my Mr. Man is out there and I am having serious trouble wrapping my head around that fact.

Shoes

I went shopping last night. I was so disappointed. I am trying to change my look, or get some kinda of style. I am beginning with shoes...(it's all about the shoes). You can tell a lot about a person by the kinda shoes they wear (at least that is what I've heard)... So why do my shoes say about me... They would say I am boring..Most of them are black and full. No sexy, f***me pumps.. One pair of strappy ones. I tried to do color in boots but that ended up being one pair of brown and one red (which I hardly wear, once or twice maybe).

This is what I have currently (not exactly but this is the style):








Now here is where I wan to be:


So now to implement...Shopping in stores stuck because I could not fine what I wanted and a really good friend of mind suggested I try online... Which was successful as you see from above. I am plotting and planning. Now I have the shoes all I need to do is work on the outfits. Wish me luck.

Kids are cute...

My niece is the most adorable kid in the world. At age 2 she lights up a room. She has the most beautiful eyes and she loves her auntie very much. She is destined for greatness I believe. She will be strong, successful and brilliant. That is my prediction for her.... Check back with me in 25 year and we shall see.

Being Single

I notice that I get sad when it rains....No for the reasons you may think... But because it reminds me that I am lonely. (I was going to say alone but I have a ton of people in my life, just not that special someone). It is on days like this that I wish I had a special person in my life. I spend the afternoon with a bunch of my friends...Both are married with kids. I like to see the way they interact with each other. You can tell that they (both couples) are really in love. I mean the kinda love that is unconditional. I've know the wives for over 10 years...Both of them met their husbands during college. So they were together a while before they got married. There is so much caring between that it warms the heart. Unfortunately, when I am with them, I am reminded (not by them) that I am still single. I have been asking myself this question lately...Why am I still single? This is the question of the ages. I believe that I've done my best to put myself out there. I am an attractive woman, I am honest, kind, giving, and loyal. Am I sabotaging myself...Am I projecting something that is turning men away? What could it possibly be.

After all these years why AM I still single. Almost all of my friends are married or are in serious relationships. So where is He? I have realized that I sometimes don't see what is in front of me.....Because I am so focus on achieving a certain goal....How many opportunities have I miss for not pay closer attention? Was He there and I was too blind to see him because I had my head in a book or was worrying about something?

God help me if I've missed my opportunity.

Here Goes

Well I've gone and done it. I am blogging. I guess I could use it to get some of my anger out, cheaper than seeing a shrink. So here goes. So there isn't much happening in my life these days...No that is not true. There is a lot of stuff happening, just not the stuff that I want to happen.

I am a single girl (yes I refer to myself that way sometimes) living in the Boston area. I've lived in Boston for 20 years. Wasn't born here so I don't have the same appreciation for Boston as others do. I am plotting to leave, not sure when it will happen but it will be swift and pain free. I dream of wide open space...it kills me that I can look out my window and into someone's house. It is kinda sick to see the space between the houses in Boston. Sometimes it is so small that you can reach in and scratch someone's ass. Don't like that kinda closeness at all. I want 5+ acres of land somewhere (have not figured out exactly where) but I know if I want that kinda of space, I can't be picky.

I've have met some really cool people in Boston... I have some really awesome friends. They are my support and I theirs....Most of them I've known for over 10 years. I have a core group that I met in high school... (Boston Public, of course).... Then there are the college friends...Honestly I've only added a couple new people in the last year or so. I say I am shy, but my friends would say something completely different.

A friend of mind suggested that I write... Other than in my personal journal and this is my attempt to do that. I don't believe that I am a good writer. Yes I hold a BA and an MS, but I my writing sucks. I can't spell and my grammar is bad.. I remember a professor in college telling me that I was dyslexic when it comes to grammar, i will never forget her. Of course I have since completed my undergraduate, masters and several really good jobs..... I don't acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses...and writing is at the top of the list. I've realized over the years that I express myself 100 times better when I speak with people directly. I could never seem to put my feeling down on paper. This will be my attempt to see what I can do.